My Version of MASH MASH: The Korean War
by DCN8943
Summary: My revision of MASH in what I think would happen if I made a remake of both the orginal movie and show cross over.
1. The Opening

"War isn't Hell. War is war, and Hell is Hell. And of the two, war is a lot worse."

-Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce.

South, Korea- 1950

The song "My Blue Heaven" is played on the P.A. System which blares around the entire camp. The camp; M.A.S.H. 4077th is busy with the entire personnel doing their own off duty activities.

The Commanding Officer Lieutenant colonel Henry Blake and his mistress Nurse Lt. Leslie Sorch are both wearing robes, lying on the Colonel's bunk as he pours them both a glass of champaign. They give cheers to each other's glass while giving each other a flirtation smile.

Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger is in his tent sewing a new dress. He's wearing a silk blue skirt and a bow on his hair. He's bucking for physco.

In the surgeon's tent called the SWAMP we see lying on his bunk is Young Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce aka Hawkeye as everyone calls him. He's given a glass of martini by the camp's house boy Ho-jon. Hawkeye smiles at his fellow tent-mate Major Frank Burns; the idiot of the camp. As Frank watches Hawkeye taking sips of his gin, Frank growls in digust.

In the Post OP ward we see several other personnel; Lt. Able, Baker, and Kelly Nakkahara attending the patiences.

In another tent we see the rest of male gang; Cpt. John Black aka Ugly a fat, dirty mustache guy wearing a hat, young orderly Boone, Painless Pole, and Cpt. Johnny Alta a singer.

Outside the Chaplain tent reading his bible is young Father Francis John Patrick Mulcahy. He's wearing his cross which hanging down from his neck touching his bible.

In the Company Clerk's office is 17 year old company clerk Cpl. Walter Eugene O'Riley aka Radar. He's called Radar by the staff due to his ability to hear things before others can and to read minds. Radar begins typing on his type writer when he suddenly stops.

"Uh-oh" Radar says to himself.

He quickly gets out of his chair storming out the door shouting "CHOPPERS!"

Outside in the compound Radar literally races in the middle shouting "Here they come!"

Everyone begins to run to realizing this mean something serious. As Radar stands there the sound of helicopters is heard from the distance.

(This is when the theme would begin playing)

Radar watches in front of him where appearing from behind mountains are 2 army choppers both carrying 2 wounded soldiers on each side. They get closer to the camp.

The P.A. System begins to blare; "Attention all personnel, Report immediately to admitting room and operating room. Attention all personnel, Report immediately to admitting room and operating room."

As the PA repeats those announcements, the entire camp all begin rushing over to the choppers. The nurses in the nurses' tent storm out together, an orderly runs out of the showers wearing only a tower still dripping wet, both Henry and Leslie run out his tent; Henry still wearing his robe but Leslie dressing herself while running.

At the Chopper Landing Area; Hawkeye and a group of orderlys and Lt. Dish are waiting, kneeling down to avoid being hit by chopper blades as the first chopper begins to land. After the chopper lands, Hawkeye signals the group to go over to the chopper. Two orderlys check on the guy on the chopper's right side while Hawkeye and Dish check up on the guy on the left side of the chopper. As that happens, the 2nd chopper lands and Henry's group checks on the wounded soldiers the same way Hawkeye's group is.

Back at Hawkeye, he shouts over the chopper's loud blades spinning giving orders to an orderly "This guy's got a rapid pulse, he's in shock, let's get him down and put him on first aid, let's go."

The orderlys begin carrying the wounded soldier on a gurney to a jeep while Hawkeye checks on the other guy. Henry's group does the same putting the gurneys on a jeep.

Down on the compound an ambulance arrives parking in front of the hospital which Frank checks on.

Back at the Landing area; on the wounded soldiers are loaded on the jeeps (laying on gurneys) with both Henry and Hawkeye sitting by their sides, comforting them.

Back at the compound everyone begins carrying the wounded inside the hospital. Henry and Radar are the last people going inside. "Radar I want..." Radar begins speaking Henry's mind "I'll call General Wilson in Seoul I hope he'll send those two new surgeons, we're sure gonna need them." "Good boy." Henry pats Radar's back.


	2. The New Surgeons

Sorry about my previous chapter having some typos.

* * *

At Kimpo Airport; Capt. Trapper John Xavier McIntyre walks over to a jeep asigned to transfer him to the 4077th.

"Going to the 4077th?" the driver askes the Captain. "Yes, sir." Trapper replies to him setting his bags in. He begins taking off his captain's bars. The driver alerts him "The other guy should be here in a minute I'm going to the latrine." Trapper nods to the driver "Okay."

The driver walks off as a truck of WACs arrive. The first person out of the truck is Capt. Duke Forrest. He helps out a few of the ladies out of the truck. "Bye, ladies, thanks for the ride" he gives his farewell to the WACs.

Duke turns to Trapper, smiling, giving a greeting nod. "4077th MASH?" he askes Trapper. "This is the jeep, yeah." Trapper replies.

Duke places his bags in the back of the jeep and hops in.

"Well let's go, boy." Duke orders Trapper (not realizing they're the same rank).

An amused Trapper smiles and hops, playing along. "Yes, sir." says Trapper, hopping on the driver's seat and starts the jeep.

The driver walks out the latrine just in time as he sees his jeep. Trapper drives off in the jeep. The driver begins shouting, still trying to button his trousers.

"HEY!" the driver shouts and begins to run after the jeep. His trouser still unbutton fall down to his akles causing him to trip. The drivers falls into the mud, splattering all over and his underwear showing. Everyone there begins laughing at him.

Trapper and Duke arrive at the 4077th with their stolen jeep. "Well here we are: MASH 4077th." Trapper announces.

The two unloads their bags when they hear a voice call out "Trapper John?"

Trapper turns to see Hawkeye. Trapper puts on an anxious smile and greets his old friend, "Hawkeye Pierce!" the two shake hands.

"It's been a long time." Trapper says to his old friend.

"Oh, don't you know it."

Hawkeye turns a confused Duke, "We met at college. We were both on the football team."

Duke finally gets it, "I see."

"Hawkeye Pierce." Hawkeye offers his hand to Duke and in which Duke accepts with "Duke Forrest."

Hawkeye finishes his intorduction with "Welcome to the 4077th the home of Meatball Surgery. And the beautiful nurses."

"How beautiful?" Duke askes.

"The finest kind." Hakweye claims. "Let me take you to our commanding officer" Hawkeye offers the new surgeons. "Okay." The new boys accepts his offer.

In the Commanding Officer's office; Henry, now wearing his uniform and fishing hat, turns around shouting "RADAR!" but Radar is already there. "Yes, sir?"

"Dammit, Radar, why do you always do that to me?"

"Because I don't like being late, sir."

"How can you be late if you're here before I even know I want you? Now did you get..."

"..the fitness reports." Handing Henry the papers.

"...the fitness reports (seeing the papers in his hand)...those ones in my hand." Henry begins signing the papers. Radar takes each paper after it's been signed.

"Pierce is walking in with two other guys."

Hawkeye and the other 2 enter the office.

"They're here." Radar tells the Colonel.

"Show them...(sees the 3 surgeons)...in."

Hawkeye holds his hand out to the new guys, making the introduction, "Henry may I present you the new boys on the block; Capt. Trapper John McIntyre and Capt. Duke Forrest."

The new surgeons exchange handshakes with their new commanding officer. "Captain, Captain." Henry greeting.

"Why 'Trapper'?" Henry askes.

"If you don't mind, Trap?" Hawkeye politely askes. Trapper gives permission "Be my guest."

"John here once snuck into the ladies cab with this beautiful girl and starting having a lil fun with her and when they were caught the woman claims that he trapped her. Hence the name 'Trapper John McIntyre."

"What a lovely name." Henry compliments. Henry goes about the duties. "Well we have our slack periods but when the action starts, you'll get more work in 12 hours than a civilian surgeon."

"Yeah, Meatball, you'll love it." Hawkeye adds.

"Now how about putting you in the swamp with Pierce here." Henry decides on the rooming on the new surgeons.

"Perfect." Hawkeye agrees.

"Rad..."

"I'll take the Captains to the Swamp." Radar once again talks before the Colonel finishes.

"Nah, I'll do it, Radar" Hawkeye offers.

"Fine." Henry allows.

"C'mon, I'll show you to your new home." Hawkeye collects the two.


	3. The Swamp Rats

Outside the compound Hawkeye escorts his 2 new buddies to the Swamp.

"So how military is this place? I don't think I could take it." Trapper askes.

"We can thank god Henry isn't MacArthur. If we had an Army Clown running this stupid place, I'd put on one of Klinger's dresses."

"Klinger? She a nurse?" Trapper questions. Hawkeye laughs, "No, he is a corpman bucking for phsyco as Truman's wife."

The men laugh.

Hawkeye opens the tent door allowing the new boys in. In the tent is Ho-Jon reading, terribly, with Burns chewing him out.

"No, No, NO! It's 'thy" not 'they' you little twerp." Frank chewing out.

"I'm sorry, Major." says a frightened Ho-Jon.

"Sorry? How many times do I have to tell; Thy is not 'they', Yeah is not 'yay'. Over and over again."

"Frank." Hawkeye calls to the Major. "Stop your dictating and meet your new bunkies."

Hawkeye once again holds out his hand introduction.

"This here is Cpt. Trapper John McIntyre and Cpt. Duke Forrest."

Both men offer a hand shake.

"Hiya, buddy." Trapper greets

"Hey there, bunkie." Duke greets.

Frank gets up in there faces, dirty, and serious;

"I'm a Major not 'Buddy' or 'Bunkie' and the next time I see you I wanna a salute."

The men salute him, jokingly of course. Frank walks out. The 3 captains wave their hands down into flipping their birdies at the Major behind his back.

"He's the Company Cluck. How about a drink? You two must be tired after that long journey to hell."

"Sure"

Hawkeye points the boys their new bunks "You can sleep there Trapper, and Duke theres one for you to."

"Thanks."

The boys sit on their new bunks while Hawkeye pours 2 glasses of gin. He passes them to Trap and Duke. Trapper takes a sip.

"Oh, Jesus. What's in this stuff? It takes like it came from old socks"

"Because it is old socks." Hawkeye affirms.

Hawkeye sits down on his bunk drink his gin.

"So where we when you were drafted, Trapper?"

"Back home in San Francisco."

"Where? Were you on Resident somewhere or on staff?"

"Uh-huh"

"But where?"

"Hospital."

"Which hospital?" a confused Hawkeye askes.

"Back home."

"Is there some reason I shouldn't know which hospital?" Hawkeye askes Duke.

"I don't know, I will ask." Duke claims.

"Is there some reason our friend here should not know the name of the hospital?"

All Trapper can do is shrug.

"I worked at San Francisco Memorial Hospital. I'm married with 2 girls and...and...and that's all I can say." Trapper has explained.

"Okay. I live in Crabapple Cove, Maine with my father whose also a doctor. I'm married to a beautiful lady Evelyn Pierce. No children except myself."

"That's nice."

"How about you, Duke?"

"Well...I live in Georgia. I'm married with 2 kids: a boy Tommy and a girl Sally."

"Do you play Golf?" Hawkeye askes.

"Yeah, Golfing and Poker are some of my favorite hobbies."

"I play a lil poker myself."

"So do I." Trapper tells them. "I'm a sore loser though."

"Especially when it's against a sore winner."

"Exactly." Trapper smiles agreeing.

"Yeah, that is what we do here to keep our sanity. Poker, Golfing, Chasing nurses, Complain about the lunch meat. It really stinks here. Meatball surgery, Kids dying around us, pushed around by the people who wave the flag so much they're too afraid to break regulation that they let kids die."

"I hear ya, Hawk."

"To us breaking regulations, chasing girls, and saving lives of the children of America." Duke holds up his glass.

All 3 agreeing, unmilitary, undisciplined, unshaved, not wearing their captain's bars, hold up their glasses in cheers to being in the army...but not Army. It is clear they're not soldiers but doctors.


End file.
